$264.40 for the co-pays on my prescriptions

Yea you read that right. I have so many pills. I am starting to feel down again, which sucks. I feel so unsure of myself and everything I do. I just cant seem to get anything right. Its like anything I think yea this will be good, just fails. Not only fails but hugely fails. Sometimes I think just killing myself would be the best thing for all parties involved. I know I am not suppose to think like that, I am not sure why, but anyway. I look at myself and just think that I will never be anything but a complete and utter failure at everything I try to do.

It doesnt help my mood that I fell down the steps. I twisted my ankle, and have a huge bruise on my butt hip area. It hurts with every step. It also looks hidious. I als broke out and my face looks awful, and ugly. Everything sucks.

Well I know there are a lot of these blogs around figured I'd join the crowd

This is a blog about money. I spend too much. I have been really sick for 3 long years, trying so hard to work full time and having to leave positions because I am too ill to keep them. I have medical bills over ten thousand dollars. I have credit card bills of around ten thousand, and I have a school loan looming at around thirty thousand. That is a lot of money that I don’t have. To compound all of this is my prescriptions for one month are over two hundred and fifty dollars for the co-pays. I am drowning and I am not even in water.

I feel odd asking strangers to help me. My illness is severe bi-polar. It honestly makes my life a living hell. I wish I had a disease I could at least talk about without feeling like I am somehow a moral and social burden. I feel like people see me and think, what a lazy useless person. When I feel down its really easy to believe that I am useless, worthless and that I should just end my own life. In the last year and a half I have been hospitalized ten times. Two of the times I tried to over does and cut my wrists.

I know that some people don’t believe that depression is a real heath problem. I think they see me as lazy and worthless. That I am morally corrupt and am trying to get a free ride. What’s worse is I feel that way about myself. If I try harder or pretend like I am fine that this will go away, that I won’t want to be dead all the time.

I take fifteen pills a day, trying to over come this. I go to a therapist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis. I try so hard to be normal, whatever that means. I feel so lost and helpless. I feel like I have been tossed in an ocean and I don’t know how to swim. This is why I need the help with the money. I don’t know how else I will be able to pay the stuff off. I keep thinking that the only way out of this is to end my life, but someone will have to pay for it. I can’t take the easy way out. I have to try to make it through one day, then one more day. If you can help I need it, if you can offer some words of encouragement I need it. I hope and pray that no one else has to feel the way I do.